In the past six years, not a day goes by that I don't think about my beautiful baby girl. Whether that is of how old she'd be, what she'd be like, what our life would look like, how things would be different....I still miss her and love her.
A little over five years ago, I remember thinking. "how could I be so lucky to get another chance so soon?" All the doctors told me not to worry, it would be fine. Went to my first appointment and everything checked out. I thought I was in the clear. Morning of my second appointment my world went south once again.
Four and half years ago I gave birth to a darling baby boy. I remember thinking that he looked like he was yawning and yet peacefully resting, but with the time that passes I find it more and more difficult to actually picture him. I can't see that precious face. I held him, kissed him, talked to him and wept on him. Do you know how frustrating it is that I can't picture his face anymore. I wish I had a photo to look at.
Everyday I think that those babies, my babies, should be here with me, on this earth, in this world. Not even two seconds after that thought comes another, "without the loss of one, would mean a life of not knowing about the others." Some might think of that as okay, but to dismiss any of them like such, is a dishonor to their memory in my eyes. Losing them was sad, but I'm so glad that I'm their Momma. Most don't even know they existed, that they are real, that they are mine. But I do....and even if some do know, my babies aren't viewed as such to them. The important part is that I view it that way.
So no, time does not heal all wounds. Time only lessens the pain. I don't cry every time I hear of a acquaintance getting pregnant, but sometimes I do. I don't think of LylLeigh every time my niece. who is the same age she would be, does something (an event, milestone, ect), but sometimes I do. I don't cry every time I see a pregnant woman, a happy family with small children, or a newborn baby. Sometimes, I do though. It's okay to cry, to be sad, to miss them. It's no longer a sharp knife every time.
